Navigating my Desire for Spontaneous Intimacy While Pursuing a Committed Partnership
Being a gay man approaching 50, I’ve spent many, mostly pleasurable years engaging in casual sex with other men since the age of 19. In my 30s, I had a serious relationship which continued for four years, but it never fully satisfied me, in that I didn't experience love or intimately fulfilled. The fact is that I have always craved casual sex. Every time I start to date any man, once the newness dwindles, an impulse arises to be intimate with new partners again.
Reflecting on the Possibility of Monogamy
Currently, I'm contemplating whether it's possible for me to maintain a faithful partnership. I understand that numerous homosexual males engage in non-monogamous arrangements, yet from my observations, they appear like hard work, frequently causing lots of heartache and envy among all parties. To a large extent, I desire a partner to love me while allowing me to pursue other intimacies, however I dread to imagine the emotional drain this might create. Is it best to keep having casual sex and accept that a lasting partnership may be unattainable? I feel somewhat confused.
Every person’s sexual journey varies. Avoid considering of your relationship needs or your capacity to tolerate different types of intimate connections in a finite way. What you need in your current state could easily shift in the future; eventually you might become more decisive and find some clarity and a comfortable path … or perhaps not. One day you might meet a person offering a transformative opportunity to you by reflecting your desires completely … and later on you may choose that casual connections are best for you. Fretting over what lies ahead and engaging in the “What if?” game is merely rooted in fear and squandering of your energy. Try to be in the moment with your partners, and see the value of each person you connect with intimately an intimate bond. If and when the time is right to deepen true intimacy with one partner, you will know.
- The psychotherapist is a US-based psychotherapist who specialises in treating sexual disorders.
